“We love him, because he first loved us.” -1 John 4:19
As Valentine’s day approaches I am reminded of my first love. A teenager in love can be a dreamy disaster. I was elated. The very idea that someone liked me for me, skin condition and all was inconceivable . My thoughts raced to him every morning. He was a blonde hair, blue eye rebel 4 years my senior. I raced out the door every morning hoping to catch a glimpse of him just before school. I was in High School, the same High School he dropped out of. Euphoric, was an understatement. He embodied the bad boy persona to the letter, making him my parents worst nightmare. Billy had a ruthless reputation that seemed to intrigue everyone I knew. Either they wanted to know more about him or they didn’t. There it was cut and dry. “Wow, you’re dating him, that’s cool?” or “You should stay away from him!” While catching a glimpse of him here and there scarcely made him my boyfriend. Meeting up with him in the alley, did. Bundled up in heavy coats I would watch the cold air escape his frost-bitten lips. Billy didn’t seem to mind. He would smoke weed and chase it with peppermint schnapps while walking me to or home from school all within the 20 minute guideline my dad gave me.
20 minutes a day was all I needed. Billy seemed to be content with that? I had no idea he had other girlfriends and why wouldn’t he? After all, I came from a strict home. Rules were rules, rules that Billy didn’t have to live by. I watched the clock with my book-bag draped over my shoulder, waiting for the school bell to ring so I could run out to meet him in a nearby alley. I can remember the huge disappointment I felt on days he didn’t show. I would come out of hiding and walk the same street my peers walked. My eyes scanned the corner of every alley hoping he’d be there? I’d go on to spend the rest of the day looking forward to the next, while listening to a radio station called “Pillow talk.” hosted by Allan Aldman. I would practice writing my married name in school books. A delightful crush animated by what I thought was love. I love him to this day but I could never truly give myself over to him despite going on to marry and divorce him.
There are times when I look at my loneliness and feel like I have wasted my life… on different loves, not many, but enough to say that none of them lasted. On the other hand I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. People have asked me in my early past “Do you know Jesus, have you met Him?” I often replied yes, yes because He to had a reputation. In reality I knew Jesus about as much as I knew my neighbor, by name only. Looking back I see how the relationship developed. It wasn’t rushed. Jesus perused me joyously. He favored me with flowers, He granted me access in a transcendental way and I had no idea, Just like that of a Neighbor I knew by name only. If someone were to ask if I knew her, the neighbor, I could say “yes.” Other than the occasional nod or smile in passing we didn’t know each other intimately. No secrets were shared. What looked like nothing turned into an invite for coffee… one of my love languages by the way. Here I am day after day having a cup of coffee with that neighbor and now I can’t go back to a place of not knowing. This time if asked if I know her? I can truly say “Yes, she is great isn’t she? I just love her.” 2 0 minutes a day , 365 days of coffee we have a relationship. My Emoji’s are involved. I keep her secrets, I know her favorite food. I have been to the family BBQ. I have been to her son’s first play. “Yes!” I know her. There will never be a time in my life of not knowing. I know her intimately through the stories she has shared. The stories that painted the picture so picturesque or vivid that one believes, though they were not there, they were. deep huh? I love God. That is exactly what or should I say how my relationship began with him. I had to spend time with Him, be it just 20 minutes a day, or a cup of coffee a day. The time moved me into a place where I no longer knew him by name only. Today, I know Him intimately. He knows my secrets. The inner parts, the past, the pain. He knows the rejection. I know the Healer. I know the Savior, I know The alfa and the Omega. I know His story, He painted the picture so Picturesque that I can’t imagine not knowing HIM. I can’t go back. I can only move forward. I want Him to share his heart with me.
Today while I was out shopping I noticed the shelves lined with huge hearts packed with different kinds of chocolate, a sudden craving and a “Please don’t let me wear it, Lord.” I bought Dove milk chocolate. As soon as I got to my car I opened the bag and tore off the wrapping. It wasn’t until I opened my 3rd one that I noticed writing on the foil. This is deep. I look over at my roommate “Did you know these have little quotes in them?” “They sure do.” She replied. “Wow, this says… “Listen with your heart.” “Deep.” I continued. “It doesn’t say listen to your heart. It says’ Listen with your heart.” My roommate understood the difference immediately as she came into agreement with me, agreement with the quote. “If you listen to your heart it just might get you into trouble, for example, your heart might tell you to bet on a horse, a horse that might lose.” I said out loud. “But if you listen with your heart… you would be listening to God’s will for it.” I reasoned.
I think about how much I love Billy. Billy loved me when I had a skin condition. He loved me first. How much greater is the Love of the Father in that “We love him, because he first loved us.” Because of the beauty and sacrifice in his love, my thoughts race to meet him daily, and continuously until I close my eyes. I know He thinks of me all day and everyday. The Lord is my true love.
Ohhhh…. Great video and song of the day Youtube: “2Chellos-My Heart Will Go On” that song was on just as I finished this blog it’s beautiful check it out later.
It is my prayer that you will listen with your heart.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the beginning of a beautiful relationship with you. I don’t want to know you by name only. Pursue me with flowers. Dote on me with your love. let my thoughts race to you. Cause me, O’ Lord to listen with my heart and teach me the difference between listening to it.
In Jesus name I pray, amen.
