Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled.
I seen the warning signs and I dismissed them. I believed if I loved him harder this time he would stay and not leave. A fallacy of false hope groomed me into a web of lies and deception far greater than I realized. There was a part of me that believed that I had one foot in the church, one foot in the grave and a prison sentence waiting for me. Compared to what I had been through with my husband… Prison wasn’t as intimidating. I would have died for him and yes, I would have killed for him. I was exhausted seven years into the marriage and nothing to show for it but track marks and a tear stained face. I couldn’t take it anymore. Known for being crazy enough to lay on the horn outside of a hot-spot drawing him out. “get your crazy wife out of here before we put a bullet in her head.” They demanded. He would walk out with his head between his knees. Slump into the passenger seat and fade into a nod. As much as I wanted to slap him silly… I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hug him. Reassure him that it would be okay.
Three years would pass before I’d step foot in a church. It was my last stop before giving up on a 10 year marriage. I remember walking into the Pastors office. I sat reluctantly listening with my arms folded as if to say “Don’t ask me anything!” My husband poured out his heart. I wanted to feel apathy for him I didn’t. I was long past anger. Indignant was more like it. He didn’t deserve the forgiveness he sought? Does God forgive that easy? Confess and just like that you are forgiven? Why so easy? I had been through hell. I was not ready to forgive him. A divorce was the only thing I was ready to serve him on a gold platter. Why? At that time I said to him “I can handle the truth. Just don’t lie to me. One more lie and I will leave and not look back.” My husband did not know I counted the number of spoons we had in the house. All I needed was to find one spoon missing and the next day that’s exactly what happened. He knew I caught him. It is written that “When you lie to someone you hate the soul afflicted by it.” He hated me and I believed it.
I continued to go to church with my husband. I remember begging God to cause me to fall in love with him all over again. Despite fighting with him over a loaded gun. Despite his warnings… he would kill me if I ever left. Despite everything he stole from me. Despite leaving me time after time. God honored my prayer but my Husband chose the drug and somewhere in the midst of all of that I became a Tuesday love, a sometime wife, always in second place. On the other hand the word of God appealed to my brokenness.
My broken marriage
My broken heart
My broke finances
My broken health
God was with me and yet I didn’t want anything to do with the letters in red. I was afraid of all that Jesus had to say? Afraid that unlike my husband… Jesus would command me to change? Command me to stay in the broke marriage? I wanted to please Jesus on my terms much like my husband was willing to please me on his. I didn’t realize it at the time. I read the bible and prayed daily, However, I read it on my terms. I read the old testament and the letters Paul often wrote to the Church but Jesus, No. I wasn’t willing to read anything that required me to change.
It was better to have a form of Godliness than none at all, Right?
Better to read the bible and write it on the tablet of my heart than to be void of any truth, Right?
Fear lurked in the letters in red
Fear brought in condemnation
Fear held me captive and I didn’t even know it, Instead I blamed the enemy, my foe. I blamed the rulers of the darkness of the world.
The more I read the bible I began to soften. The fight in me began to fade away. I wasn’t as sharp with my tongue.
God was changing me
Drawing me
God saw something in me, I never saw in myself… Hope
God called and eventually I answered
I began to slowly read the letters in red. It was then that I began to truly heal from the inside out. I was drawn now and there was no turning back.
I was Hungry unlike any hunger I had ever known
The emptiness I felt began to fill me with something deeper
I clung to the scripture – Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled. -Jesus
Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God
Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God
Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the kingdom of God
Suddenly, the red letters turned into promises.
Promises man can’t keep.
Promises that only Jesus himself could fulfil in our lives.
He gave me peace. He is the prince of peace in Him there is nothing to fear. If you are wondering where to begin reading your bible my best advice start with the red letters.
much love,
Paula
